3/5 03:10pm
3/5 03:10pm
     By Heidi McWilliam on Sunday, April 15, 2001 - 12:28 am: |
13:31:54 07/15/00
Infant massage is a wonderful way to assist not only your child to relax but also relaxes the parent simultaneously. It is important to interpret your childs body language throughout massage (for infants who cannot communicate through speach) so you can prevent over-stimualtion and show your child respect. Infant massage comprises all the elements of bonding, eye contact, skin contact, smell, and voice and is therefore calming, soothing and reassuring to an infant. For any information on infant massage, including parent courses, contact the Infant Massage Information Service: (02)9837 6326 or infantmassage@hotmail.com
| By Anne Burke. on Sunday, April 15, 2001 - 12:45 am: |
Re: Calming babies/childrenPinky 19:12:15 07/13/00
When my oldest son (Jordan, now almost 4) was little, the easiest way to calm him was to stick him on the boob! That's the way I now calm my second son (Logan, 4 1/2 months). Jordan is a full on child, very energetic and sometimes seems hellbent on disrupting everything and everyone in his path, and if we were that way inclined, would probably have been on drugs a long time ago! But we are not interested in going down that path. While I don't have any specific tips for calming him, we take each day (and sometimes hour and minute) as they come. We try lots of different things, but not much ever works twice as Jordan is very intelligent and independent. I console myself with thoughts that he is going to turn into a beautiful older child!
| By Kristy Regan on Wednesday, August 1, 2001 - 12:17 pm: |
My now nine month old daughter, Annalise, suffered from colic as a newborn which meant hours of crying (both of us) and lots of "experts" offering advice. We tried the advice that sounded worthwhile and politely forgot the rest as soon as we were told. After about 3 months she started to overcome this painful thing and life started to settle down. We consulted a naturopath about the colic and she was able to assist however, what seemed to work the best was small, frequent breastfeeds and lots of cuddles, mum and dad included.
I still like to offer lots of cuddles if that is what she wants as the dishes will wait but Annalise will not want cuddles forever before it becomes "uncool" so I am going to give as many as I can now while they are appreciated. Our critics say we are doing the wrong thing and not letting her become independent. I say we are giving her the confidence to know we are there if we are needed. My question is how can it be wrong when it feels so right? Hence when we are with their children they get included in the cuddles as well.
| By Gillian van Niekerk on Monday, August 6, 2001 - 10:46 am: |
Take the baby for a walk outside. This will either, a) distract her, or b) put her to sleep. And for you it will a) distract you and b) help you get some much needed fresh air and exercise. Hopefully this will help you cope at night, when most of us can enlist the help of our partner.
Most importantly, love her. Hold her while she cries, it feels so nice to be held while you're crying. She will feel your love, and it may take days, weeks or months, but the crying will pass and you will have loved her through it all.
| By Melissa Hill on Friday, August 17, 2001 - 04:41 am: |
Since every child is different, all I can say is try everything at least once. We've done vibrating bouncy chairs, driving in the car, walking up and down stairs, sticking them in their cot and hiding in the TV room, cool baths, warm baths, bottles of water/tea/gripewater/younameit...
For the first child, we finally found she fell asleep to a Sheryl Crow CD by the middle of the second track. For the second child, she just seemed to be plain old thirsty (must've been that hot weather).
There is no fool-proof way to get every child to calm down, and some children won't calm down no matter what you do. Just tell yourself that it is a sure sign of genius. Then hand them off to a grandmother and go shopping.
| By Janet Ollevou on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 10:12 am: |
My sure-fire baby calmer is my exercise ball - I used it to keep fit during pregnancy and now it works wonders to calm my 8 week old baby when he cries.
One advantage of this is that I don't have to be on my feet (a plus when you are ready to drop from exhaustion!) We just put on some soft music and gently bounce, rock and swivel until sleep descends. Another plus is that my tummy muscles are getting a gentle workout at the same time!
Bub just loves the bouncing action - we use it for play as well.
| By Anonymous on Thursday, October 25, 2001 - 01:58 pm: |
While we are not a 'babywearing" culture most of us would have experienced that the majority of times when our baby is crying, when we pick them up they stop. In cultures where babies are traditionally carried in slings or pouches it is noted that these babies rarely cry or fuss. They have no need. They feel safe and connected to their mother, entertained by her activities, fed when hungry and when they are tired they simply fall to sleep. This time tested tradition works miracles for fussy babies and contented babies love it too. For information about the research on the many benefits of babywearing check out Sharon Hellers book The Vital Touch and www.hug-a-bub.com.au for a great babycarrier.
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 23, 2002 - 08:20 pm: |
No 1 baby turned up, and screamed, fussed and cried through our lives for his first two years. Everyone assumed because I was a midwife that I knew what to do - but some ideas and knowledge still doesn't stop the screaming!!!
Get support, the closest family support we had was over 3 hours away. My maternal child nurse saved me psychologically in that first 6 months.
Frequent breast feeding worked with the colic in the first 3 months.
Teething was nightmarish. The usual Bonjela, Panadol, lemon juice on gums, icicles to suck and lots of rocking in the pram, even at times with a hotpack under his cheek.
Lots of hugs and cuddles, learnt to settle himself after much difficulty and yelling when he was about 15 months; but still woke often during the night - and screamed! Sometimes Mum had to put her foot down and shut the door to save the sanity.
But they do grow up, and we love them.
| By Anonymous on Friday, January 25, 2002 - 10:15 pm: |
I have read all of the mothers ideas and solutions on dealing with crying babies and relate to them all. I guess one of the points I wanted to raise is the message of how important it is to have a suportive partner to deal with the crying and everything else that goes with raising young children. I have an Early Childhood teaching background and have a 20 month old and a 2 month old. Everyone, including my partner, assumes I know what to do and cope no matter what. I spend many hours alone with the children and constantly recall my knowledge of child development to cope. Patience, flexibility,time management and organisation are strengths but nothing, and I mean nothing beats the support of a loving husband who reaches out to give a hug or a smile or even a great home cooked meal to help deal with the cry of a baby and a toddler.WE all want to feel like the old person we were prior to children.
Acceptance of the fact that babies cry is the first step. Second, holding, talking to and responding to our babies cues are so important. but there are times, no matter what we do, babies will cry. Mentally go through your head: is the nappy dirty ( some babies hate it more than others); is he / she hungry or thirsty and I make the distinction here for newborns - pre -solids stage because babies are like us - if it is hot they are more thirsty and need a quick drink as apposed to a long feed; have you changed their environment or the procedure for meeting their needs )- once you have addressed all of their basic needs then - hey - look at yourself. Are you feeling a little stressed, anxious or angry? Babies sense our emotions. It is so powerful. If you are anxious, your baby ( and toddler) wil sense it. Try and calm down. You, like myself, may or not be able to address or mchange the problems or situation that upset you, but if you can detach yourself from those feelings when around baby, then maybe it will help reduce the crying that occurs for no obvious basic reason.
There is a link between the quality of our contact with babies and brain development. There is plenty of information out there for you to research. But basically respond to your babies, do what comes naturally. As my mother often says, don't worry about the housework, focus on your baby. Talking to babies and reading books, singing songs is food for growth and development. Mentally stimulate your baby.
If you are like me and can't stand a messy house, learn to accept the fact that babies will cry, it is one of their ways to communicate. If you have met their basic needs, spent time talking and smiling with your baby in their wakeful times, then, turn up the music and clean the floors if it makes you feel better.Otherwise, grab some sleep while baby is sleeping and you will all feel better.
Better still, you may feel more wakeful and responsive to your partner when they come home from work and cook up that much needed home cooked meal with some meaningful adult conversation.
Any chance for a back rub too???
Go with the flow and enjoy their young years. Those challenging teenage years wil come soon enough, let alone when they leave home, get married and have to face their own responsibilties.
| By Anne Ince Vize on Saturday, February 2, 2002 - 03:15 am: |
I have four children and all but the last one suffered from colic. My third suffered so badly that he was offered hospitalisation. I have written an article on that exprience which was published by our local NCT -- and I'd be happy to supply a copy by email if you are interested. Four things helped : cranial osteopathy; eliminating cow's milk in my diet -- I was fully breast feeding but apparantly he could have been affected by the dairy products in my diet; and (reluctantly) supplementing him with a soy formula because he had lost so much weight through the colic. Finally I would suggest to anyone with a crying baby -- it can make you can feel close to harming your child: when you feel like this, put the baby down in his cot, close the door and give yourself some space. It is helpful to talk to someone and the UK organisation Crysis ( helpline for the parents of children who cry excessively and sleep poorly) was a great help. So was Sheila Kitzinger's book The Crying Baby. The colic lasted over 4 months but he is now a happy and well adjusted 4 year old.
| By Debby on Saturday, June 29, 2002 - 12:02 pm: |
I used a combination of common sense, comfort and controlled crying with both my sons.
I never put them to bed until I was sure all their physical needs had been met - a dry bottom, a full tummy, no wind and a good cuddle. I also instigated a bedtime routine right from early on particularly for the night-time bedtime - not so much for daytime naps. It would be bath, then a feed, then a quiet play, into bubs room, a sit and song in the rocking chair (stories were introduced around 12mths) and then into bed with one more song and a gentle pat during the song.
If they grizzled a bit when they first went down I would leave them for a few minutes and in most cases they would settle. If the crying continued I then had a set routine:
- check the physical requirements
- not too hot or cold
- nappy still dry
- no wind pains (usually picked up from the knees to chest position of the baby)
- not still hungry (if I knew they had not fed well)
- if these were fine then I would give them a quick cuddle, avoiding eye contact if possible as my pair always associated this with communication and wanting to play, and then lay them down with a tummy rub or a gentle head rub until the settled.
- I would then give them a kiss tell them they were good boys and quietly leave the room.
- If they started crying again I would go through this procedure again, but within a couple of weeks I had it down to less than 10mins a time.
My eldest slept through (10pm to 5am) by 8 wks of age and my 2nd slept through at 14wks of age. Both are still good sleepers and even now at 3 and 5yo, and we still have standard evening routines that they know - dinner, bath, some family time, stories, songs and lights out.
This is what worked for my kids and me but everyone is different.
| By Louise on Sunday, June 30, 2002 - 09:17 pm: |
My partner and I have a five month old little girl who had colic and reflux up until the age of 4 months. The only way she will go to sleep is to be breastfed in our bed (due to many nights of sleeping with us, feeding every hour and me sleeping next to her). She wakes up even when I roll over or try and move her - and even if she stays asleep then - she is up after 20 minutes. There is a limit to the amount of cuddles, rocking, pacing and driving that any mother can do. I have not had more than three hours sleep in a row since she was born and I resent it being implied that just because I consider 'control crying' to be the last option, that I may not love my child as much as mothers who dont control cry. I started control crying with her a week ago - and I have had to listen to my angel scream for anywhere between 6 minutes and 120 (going in at set intervals). It has worked sometimes after 6 minutes - 24 or 30. It is not easy and I dont do it to be callous or uncaring. I just do not want to have to breastfeed her when she is 3 because that is the only way she will sleep. If I could get her to sleep any other way I would - but there are no options left. We are yet to see if control crying will work - it's been 6 days and she still screamed for 90 minutes tonight - but if it does I will have my nights back.
I will post a further message hopefully with a success story. Sometimes control crying is the only option - dont feel bad if you have to try it. People told me for weeks to just 'leave her cry' - but it wasn't until I had absolutely run out of gusto that I had to do it. She is adored and loved every minute she is awake and that is the best any parent can do. Other mums - dont feel bad if you have to control cry - it may just work and if it doesn't - at least you've tried.
I will post another message with the results.
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 3, 2002 - 05:26 pm: |
I have used controlled crying with success. And must say that Debby's advise sounds very similar to the steps that I have taken.
With my first child I fell into a similar routine as Louise has. My baby fell asleep on the boob when feeding every 2 hours using the boob as a comfort and not for food.
I would like to say that controlled crying isn't just leaving your child cry endlessly.
I Started by making sure all physical needs are met and making sure they had a good long feed and are relatively calm and awake (being awake helps is helping them put themselves to sleep)
Then leaving the room wait 2 mins if crying persists re-enter room and leaving bubs in bed gently roll her away from you (so she cant see you!) and patting her till calm again not talking but I used shhh shhh shhh sounds.
Then exiting the room again and waiting 4 mins. And repeating this at 2-minute intervals. Going in to them reassures them that you’re not abandoning them.
I found that after about one week I had a great nights' sleep (10 hours +) instead of waking every 2 hours and my baby needing me to put them to sleep they did so themselves. And rarely had to re-enter the room from the first settling.
As they have grown I used a routine of Dinner, Bath, Book and lights out.
You do have to be ready to see it through but a good nights sleep is essential and I believe makes you better able to handle the day ahead, and not in Zombie mode.
I never felt like a bad mother and got all the cuddles and happiness of a well-rested baby through the day.
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 3, 2002 - 05:42 pm: |
From above posting I incorrectly said repeating at
2- minute intervals.
Where I meant to say increasing by 2 - minute intervals ie 2 mins, then 4 mins then 6 mins etc.
| By Barb on Friday, July 5, 2002 - 05:09 pm: |
Hi,
I just wanted to share my story. I had a similar situation to the other last two mothers. My eldest son who is now (I can't believe it!) 9 years old woke and fed every 2hrs day and night. By the time he was 5 mnths I was exhausted. I went to a sleep clinic and was taught controlled crying. I followed the controlled crying regime for 5 mnths. Initially I told myself it was working. I so badly wanted to believe it. But it didn't. When he was 10mnth old we finally gave up. What had happened in the interim was that I was completely exhausted, and my faith in my parenting was shaken. I had been told if I just did it long enough and was just consistent enough it would eventually work. So it must have been me, right? Wrong. Many babies just don't respond to those methods. I wish I'd had the confidence then to just put him in bed with me and meet his needs, the way I have with my other 2 children. They do grow up, and they're not in your bed forever. What I wish I'd been offered then, instead to the controlled crying option is some help around the house and some support for me.
Barb
| By sharon barr on Tuesday, August 13, 2002 - 02:28 pm: |
I have a 2.5 year old girl and a 14 week old boy. When my daughter was 8 weeks old we began using controlled crying. It was very difficult listening to my angel crying so much but within a few days she fell into a wonderful sleeping pattern which continued until 18 months old when she would wake at the very early hours and thought it was play time. We once again practised controlled crying and within one week she was back to her normal sleeping pattern. We tried controlled crying with our little boy (who has reflux) but he did not respond as well. Although he is a fabulous sleeper during the night time (mostly sleeping from 6pm to 5am) he was very unsettled during the daytime naps. We have tried everything from relaxing baths, gentle music, pram walking, rocking in our arms and anything else we could thing of. We tried the comfort crying technique which initially did not work as he did not like being put on his side (he is quite strong) and he would wriggle and squirm so much and got so distrissed that my husband and I could not do it any longer. We ended up succeeding with alot of cuddling before bed, making sure he was dry, feed, burped and after singing what seems to be his favourite song "twinkle twinkle little star" he would be calm enough to put into bed and whilst he was awake we would leave the room. If he became unsettled we would come back in and gently pat his tummy until he is almost asleep and then wait at the door until he has drifted off. We found this the best method for him but we still have trouble getting him to sleep for the recommended periods (being 2-2.5 hours for his age) during the day. We have decided that any sleep is better than none and have tried to make the most of the time we have with him whilst he is awake and just try and do the best we can when we put him to bed. My only advice to other mums experiencing difficulties getting baby to sleep is to just be persistent and try and make sure that you and your partner support each other and be consistent with your technique so as not to confuse your little one.
| By Anonymous on Monday, September 2, 2002 - 02:21 pm: |
Co-sleeping, breastfeeding and sling wearing, are by far the best ways to comfort an unhappy/colicky,unsettled baby that I know. I tried controlled crying and HATED it. My son cried his lungs out for over an hour each time, before falling asleep with sheer exhaustion and unhappiness.I was a nervous and emotional wreck.The stupidest advise I ever received was not to allow him to go to sleep on the boob. What rubbish. Breastmilk contains a hormone specifically designed to induce sleep in both mums and babies. My son is now 15 months old, and I am an avid co-sleeper, sling wearer, and breastfeeder. I have many friends who are similar, and I can honestly say, our children are the happiest, best sleepers that I know.Other great suggestion I can recommend include herbal tea or warm milk for a breastfeeding mum before bedtime and/or for an older baby too (chamomile tea is excellent) Also, Brauers natural medicines are FANTASTIC, the colic one was a lifesaver for me! I also use the teething, Infant calm, cold and flu etc, with great results. massage and warm baths are supposed to be good for some kids, but I know my son has always been too wriggly and hyper for massage, and a bath just hypes him up more! I have started a couple of support groups for mums who parent against the mainstream, which provides great ida and support to mothers who breastfeed, co sleep, babywear etc. We also have meetings in real life,(In Melbourne) which are a great support to mums parenting this way. If anyone is interested in more details, feel free to e mail me at fuschiab@yahoo.com. I also know of similar groups in Sydney and Brisbane, which I could put people in touch with if interested.
All kids are different of course, and different methods suit different kids. Some children naturally want to go to bed later than others, even as adults we all have our own rythyms and patterns Children are exactly the same. The idea of "sleeping through" is also a myth for many children. How many adults are there who "sleep through" every night with out waking? Babies sleep patterns are diferent to adults in the way they get to sleep however,they take longer to fall asleep, and do not go into such a deep sleep. This is thought by some people to be a safety thing-means they are able to wake up more easily if needs be. Co-sleeping has been the norm in most cultures for thousands of years. It is only recently that people have decided to try and force young children to sleep in separate rooms away from their mothers.I love sleeping with my son, I feel it is the best bonding experience we could have together, besides being the best way for both of us to have a good nights sleep.I know too, that it wont be long before he wont want to sleep with mum anymore, therefore I'm making the most of it while I can!
| By Nicole on Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - 11:05 pm: |
I read anonymous' letter as if I had written it myself!!! I warmly second the three sure fire ways to love/cherish/calm and bond with your baby (and children) - co-sleeping, breastfeeding (with child-led weaning)and sling wearing.
I can vouch for my 15 month old - who has only had one mild illness so far - quite astounding when I see other babies of a similar age.
I too, love sleeping next to my baby and waking up to him in bed with us in the morning.... I love breastfeeding him (and he loves his "num nums") and we both enjoy the experience of him being carried on my back with the help of my sling.
It makes for a blissful baby bonding experience...
a happy contented baby... and a Mum who's heart constantly glows!!!!
| By Michelle on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 12:21 pm: |
The best way for me to settle my nine month old down for an all night sleep is to give her a bath after her dinner and then take her for a long walk. By the time we come back home she is asleep or very relaxed and I pop her into bed and she falls asleep within 5 minutes.
| By Anonymous on Saturday, May 17, 2003 - 12:12 am: |
Every baby is different. When my daughter was born I wanted to do the babywearing, co-sleeping thing etc. However at 7 months I had chronic back pain from carrying her about so much. She woke every 1.5 to 2 hours overnight and her day sleep was down to two 20 minute naps. Even when she was sleeping in bed with me I could not relax as she was so active that she would crawl and roll about. We were both wrecks. Control crying was very hard but what a tranformation. She sparkles during her uptime instead of constantly needing carried and diverted from her overpowering tiredness. Do what works for you. I found it easiest to try the gentle approach, I was confident I had tried everything else possible before using control crying.
| By Anonymous on Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 02:13 pm: |
This is an interesting discussion and I raise the following points...
How can you carry your baby all day and feed if you have to go back to work?
As above..what if the baby is very disruptive to your sleep??
I can see some of the benefits of natural parenting however I believe it lacks one thing..and that is independance of any kind for the mother. A lot of mothers are made to feel guilty because they use controlled crying..and yet it can be a lifesaver, especially if you must have your sleep to be able to function during the day and work..as a large percentage of the population do.
Life isn't always want you want it to be and those of us who choose to return to work and some life apart from our children...are still loving, caring parents with happy and contented children. You are the parent..you make the choices and decisions and never feel guilty because you aren't behaving as a woman in another country with a completely different lifestyle may be able to.
If you can live your life around your baby's needs..then you are blessed. If you have to operate as an individual as well...then you are too blessed to be happy with your choices!
| By Anonymous on Friday, July 25, 2003 - 12:22 pm: |
My daughter Marisa was a very unsettled baby from very early on. We tried co-sleeping but became so stressed from the conflicting advice we received from lots of sources.
We stopped co-sleeping and in desperation resorted sleep school. We were there for two weeks, I ended up being diagnosed with PND and Marisa was only a little better, but we had to go home.
Things worked fabulously for a week, but got worse as the next week went on. Distraught that Marisa had been crying for an hour and a half one night, we rang the Mother and Baby Unit for help. We were abruptly told to "Call back tomorrow we're too busy here." So we rang the Maternal Health line to be told babies can cry okay for up to two hours.
My hubby and I just looked at each other and decided that enough was enough. No baby should be allowed to cry any where near that amount of time, so we brought her into our bed and have co-slept successfully since.
I am not one to push any certin methods or styles into people. I strongly believe that every baby and parent is so very unique and I know of parents who have found sleep schools to work very well for them.
HOWEVER, If there is anything I would like to stress to parents is to listen to your heart. Give yourself permission to stop something that doesn't feel right or you don't like. Because only YOU know your baby best.
I only wish I had the courage to say no when I really wanted to spend much more time bonding with my daughter when she was only little. All she wanted was a little more skin to skin contact, the most divine feeling in the whole world. Who on earth could not tell you not to try something like that?
Kelly Zantey
| By Janet on Saturday, January 17, 2004 - 11:41 pm: |
Hi all,
we co-sleep with our 9 week old bub and are as happy can be! I often see women expressing confusion about all the advice they get about parenting. It's the same when you're pregnant. I don't know how it is for others but I don't take notice of advice unless it rings true in my gut. I have a dear friend whose ideas on parenting are similar to mine and I listened to things she said and followed some but not all - she doesn't co-sleep, for example, but her baby was as happy and relaxed as mine is. Listen to your heart and go with what helps your baby and you. All the experts in the world aren't gong to help if it's not what works in your family. Before I gave birth I researched and researched and took the homebirth option because it was the best one for me. I also did loads of research into breastfeeding and have had no problems at all despite conflicting advice from various sources. I just ignored them! Babies aren't thermonuclear devices. They just need food warmth shelter and lots of love. Simple! They don't need one rigid set of ideas that you try to mould you and them to. Our bub gets lots of skin on skin contact with us, particularly me, he's breastfed on demand, he plays and laughs and has a lovely life. People keep saying to me, "Oh you're so lucky, you got a good baby!" It's like they're saying there's such a thing as a Bad Baby! We are very calm with him and I have always just accepted that sometimes babies cry and they wake up in the night. Being calm with him has really helped him be calm. I think (and of course I'm guessing!!!) that he feels like I'm calm and taking care of him so he's safe and even if he feels like expressing his emotions through crying he's still safe and ok. I think what Kaz Cooke says is so so true - since your baby doesn't know what's wrong most of the time, how can you be expected to know? I go through my repertoire of settling moves - cuddling, darkness, skin on skin, feeding, singing, soothing talking close to his ear so he can still hear me if he's crying, walking, showing him favourite things like his mobile, jiggling, rocking, bottom patting - and he settles very quickly. He usually only needs a little cuddling and patting but I try more if he still feels distressed. He had his first vaccinations the other night and he has been a bit traumatised by them so he's unsettled. His noises are like he's telling us about his experience and saying he doesn't know quite why he feels like he does. So we listen and tell him it's ok and just snuggle up with him and accept his changed sleep pattern. I just go with his flow but we still have a social life and get enough sleep. I wouldn't mind sleeping more hours in a row but I'm doing fine! My midwife says he's thriving and it's about how instinctive we are with him and just help him feel safe and loved. I don't have a formula but I have friends with happy babies who work in a similar way - what works for them not what an expert says. I just go with what my heart and body tell me he needs and I stay calm and just hold onto him no matter what. I am rewarded by seeing how happy and secure he is and those wonderful smiles that melt your heart. You know the ones I mean! I love co-sleeping and I believe that he responds to it very well. I couldn't bear the idea of taking him out of the womb where every need was catered for without even asking, to putting him in a cot and leaving him there all night. I just feel they are so very unsuited to being alone after their time in the womb. But I'm not trying to preach my set of ideas. I'm trying to say that what is loving and works in your family is what works for you. Still, I love Pinky's web site for gathering more ideas if I feel like I need them ;-)!
Best wishes,
Janet
| By Michelle Fulcher on Monday, January 24, 2005 - 10:59 am: |
I think its great that you have a wonderfully calm and relaxed baby Janet. I would have loved to have co-slept with my son, but right from the start he was a very unsettled and intense baby and the only way either me or my partner could get any sleep was to have him in the other room so that we could take turns dealing with his high-pitched scream. Even though attachment parenting works for a lot of babies, I think no matter what you do, you can't change their temprement. Because he was my first baby, I guess I thought that if I did the right things, he would be a wonderfully settled and happy baby. After all, thats what the 'self-soothers' and the 'attached parents' kept telling me. I have learned that you just have to accept your baby for who he is. I feel like I have tried everything, asked every person what they did with their baby, brought every sleep book I could afford to, baby hammock, sleep CD's you name it. I have never liked the idea of controlled crying and I keep being told that this is all I have to do. My husband too feels that this is a last resort, but he wants us to go to Tresillian and have them show us how to do it properly. I couldn't leave my baby to cry until he vomited, no way. But when I try to put him to sleep, he looks at me like he knows and he feels the agony of indescision I feel. I wish I had never listened to anyones advice at all. There was a point in his life at about 2-3 months old when he was sleeping so well at night, up to 5 1/2 hours even! But then the local nurse told me that he needs to be having regular naps and not going to sleep on the breast, so then I went through the rigmarole of controlled comforting. Yes he started napping better, but then his night time sleep became very unsettled. Then I found Dr Sears website who told me how cruel I was to be letting him cry and self settle. I was still obsessed with his napping though, so for the last 4 months I've been trying to get him to sleep on the breast again (which he won't) be brought a baby hammock and have been swinging him to sleep. We've been staying at home to keep to his 'routine' (which never worked anyway it seems) Finnally, this weekend I had my brothers wedding, so Taliver didn't get his usual naps and didn't get to bed until 9.30pm he was so tired that he slept all night only getting up twice to breastfeed. So, yesterday I decided not to stress about his naps. I threw his nap routine out the window, put him down when he was quite tired and let him sleep as long as we wanted (45 mins) Last night, again he only woke twice. I don't know if this will continue but I think the answer has been staring me in the face this whole time. I kept saying to people "I think he seems to sleep better when he doesn't nap so well" but I wasn't brave enough to try it as I kept reading that naps affect night time sleep. If this keeps up perhaps we won't have to go to tresillian and go through the controlled crying thing all over again. But my advice to any sleep deprived parents reading this- listen to your heart, your gut instincts and the little voice inside. If your baby is sleeping well at night,DON"T CHANGE A THING!!! and don't let anyone convince you that you aren't doing things exactly perfect for your baby. Even if they are a 'professional'.
| By Pinky on Wednesday, January 26, 2005 - 09:21 pm: |
Hear ! Hear! Michelle,
You are absolutely right- each baby IS an INDIVIDUAL and as his mother, you know your baby best. Some babies do appear to sleep better at night if they have longer naps (mine didnt!)but I also believe that like some of us, other babies dont need as much sleep in a 24 hour period and if we 'force' them to take naps during the day these "low sleep requirement" babies (for lack of a better description -I dont like labels) will logically sleep less at night.
It helps to follow your baby - learn to interpret his unique cues -and respond as it works best for you and your child.
Thanks for sharing your brilliant insight.
May you have (fairly) peaceful nights.
PS - have you read Parenting By Heart? Sounds like you may enjoy it.
Pinky
| By Desperate on Saturday, February 12, 2005 - 10:40 pm: |
I am at my wit's end. My baby is now 15 months old and he has been waking up a few times a night for pretty much all that time. I have breastfed him back to sleep his whole life. I have recently tried to give him a bottle instead but he just pushes it away, yells even louder and tugs at my shirt. I have now been told that I need to take medication which I can't have whilst breastfeeding but I am scared that I have left weaning for too long and that my son will never take to a new nighttime routine. Has anyone been in this situation before?
| By pinky on Wednesday, February 16, 2005 - 07:27 am: |
Dear desperate,
You must feel very alone in this control crying culture. Believe me, you are not the only person nursing a toddler to sleep.
Please see the thread of other mums asking about sleep in this situation and changing sleep cues -'gradually with love'- you will find it if you click on 'last week' or see the thread under sleep deprivation.
If you happen to live in Melbourne, I am doing a Terrific Toddler workshop on 6th March , at the last workshop we had a very interesting discussion on sleep.
Warm wishes,
Pinky
| By Amanda Lalor on Saturday, February 19, 2005 - 10:57 am: |
Dear Michelle,
I really relate to your story. Instead of having the confidence to accept that even though my son who is now 18 weeks old isnt text book I was ignoring how happy he is and how well he is thriving. I kept wanting him to nap longer by day (he fed every two hours - nap for 30 - 40mins at most - which was difficult to keep up the breast feeding as it never seems enough) even though he was sleeping pretty well at night. I was so confused reading this book and that with conflicting information I didnt know which way was up. Allot of this information seems to make sense but I have realised that the book doesnt come with the baby and applying it to the right baby - now thats the tricky part. I was feeling guilty that I was Accidental Parenting and ultimately harming him - robbing him of learning the skills he needed. Then I had to say to myself - get back to the basics. Is he happy? Is he content? Is he thriving? Are his needs being met? This of course happened after one hellish week of my trying to extend his daytime naps by using the shh/pat, pick/put down methods. WE HATED IT! It simply wasnt for us. Thankfully I recognised this early on. However this short bout I am sure has fractured his trust. In time I will earn it back. We all love our children and sometimes I think we parents just try to hard! I have decided to relax and just enjoy him. Im trying to just go with the flow. I would love to keep in touch with other parents either online or face to face (in the Gold Coast area) who also feel the same way and would like to share support.
Wamrest Wishes
Amanda
| By pinky on Sunday, February 20, 2005 - 12:53 am: |
Hi Amanda,
Well - said!!
what sensible advice-I too cringe when I hear the words "Accidental parenting" - it so implies that you are creating some sort of monstrous problems or being 'slack' - in factyou are probably watching your baby and staying attuned to his particular needs. There is a lot of Bull around about making babies sleep half their lives away - many babies who sleep quite well at night, sleep very little during the day -others sleep better at night if they have good sound day sleeps. It makes perfect sense that babies who sleep a long stretch at night will need plenty of feeds and their quota of cuddles during the day
If its not a problem , its not a problem -Surrender is such a big part of mothering- and this doesnt imply submission, but rather, acceptance of YOUR individual child - and enjoying where you are at right now instead of wishing your baby was "more" whatever you feel pressured to believe is an 'ideal'. There is no textbook baby and we can either spend all day trying to make our babies sleep or we can play with them or take them out and about and enjoy their company and respect their patterns - like all of us they are unique beings - lets just love them and enjoy!
Thanks for your common sense
Pinky
| By Amanda Lalor on Sunday, February 20, 2005 - 08:40 pm: |
Dear Pinky,
Thank you!!!=o)
I am thrilled that I stumbled across your website. It’s a great source of information and most importantly support...
I have had an opportunity today to read through the discussion on Sleep Deprivation and plan to also purchase the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley along with your book Parenting by Heart. I can’t wait to read them.
I am feeling more positive and confident in trusting my intuition.
Has anyone started a discussion like a book review on parenting books? If not that could be helpful!
Looking forward to keeping in touch!
Amanda
| By rebeccab on Tuesday, February 22, 2005 - 02:29 pm: |
good for you Amanda. I have really enjoyed both books, so refreshing to find books that really speak to you without making you feel guilty. I have felt so empowered by the process. Post back on the forum when you have the books. Will be interested to see what you think. Everyone likes Pinky's books but I'd like to hear what you think of the NCSS
becc
| By Amanda Lalor on Thursday, February 24, 2005 - 08:48 pm: |
Hi Becc!... Yes thank you. I guess I will always have my moments of self-doubt but I guess thats all apart of being an aware parent.
Im waiting for the books to arrive. The anticipation is killing me (lol). I will definitely post back to share my thoughts.
I also have The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter and The Continuum Concept by Jean Leidloff coming too.
Should keep me busy on top of keeping up with my now 19week old.
Amanda
| By Michelle Fulcher on Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 08:06 pm: |
About the NCSS, I purchased it when my baby was only 8 weeks old, and he is now 8.5 months. I thought it was a great book, but never really comitted myself to a plan, I just kept trying one or two ideas here and there, looking for the "switch" which would make my baby sleep. I brought an "Amby" baby hammock and spent countless hours trawling the internet for the right "switch". Finnally, over christmas we moved house and my bub started waking up 8 times during the night - EVERY NIGHT. I had thought it was bad before!!! after about a month of this my husband had had enough and started threatening Tresillian (I say threatened only because the thought of controlled crying scared me so much) So, finnally after about 5 months of mucking around I made a plan and have stuck to it. We have had quite a few set-backs, moving him from the Amby (BIGGEST waste of money for our baby) to the cot, teething, learning to sit, learning to crawl, having really hot weather...you name it. But once I started REALLY sticking to the plan (personnally I kept a diary to keep track of how well I was sticking to the plan) I have seen a huge improvement. He has gone from waking 8 times a night (every hour) to 2-3 times a night (every 3-5 hours) in just 30 days. I have gone from having to rock/breastfeed/pleading with him to go to sleep, to having a cuddle and putting him down in the cot AWAKE and giving him a few pats until he settles. It has been a huge improvement. It now takes me less than 10 minutes to get him to nap while it used to take over an hour. So, I definately recommend NCSS, but you have to do it wholeheartedly and commitedly for it to work. I think that we are really working our way towards the day that he sleeps the whole night through- I'll keep you posted!
| By rebeccab on Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 10:03 pm: |
Hi Michelle. Glad to see someone else is having some good results too. I agree that you really have to give it your all if you want to see consistent and quicker results. We are a bit in and out with it but now my husband is home again (after working away for 5 months) I am finding I am getting better at getting it all together rather than bits and pieces. You do see improvements though even with the half hearted approach, just slower. I have seen out of sight improvements in napping (even having decided to just do whatever it takes with day sleeps) and am finding the going to bed is smoother and less night wakings. We are yet to get to the morning with everyone sleeping wheere they started but I think that's more about the fact that we secretly like a little co-sleeping, but after 6 am thanks!! we are getting there but surrendering to feeling like you are on a road of improvement and doing the right thing by you and your baby feels so good, I am sure that gives me some sleep credit points!!
Stay in touch. I am really interested.
becc
| By Michelle Fulcher on Tuesday, March 1, 2005 - 01:53 pm: |
Hi Becc,
I liked what you said about being "empowered by the process" because that is exactly how I felt when I started seeing some success. I felt so proud of myself for not submitting to the pressure that everyone is putting on me to control cry, and getting results. Sometimes it gets frustrating though. He seemed to be on such a good roll last week, but this week he's gone back to waking 4-5 times a night. It is still very good, considering the old days of 8-10 wakeups but I can't help but feel a little deflated. I was thinking to myself today that what I need is another mum on the program who I can share the journey with- someone to remind me how far he's come on the hard days, and someone who I can encourage when my bub is having a good day, but maybe theirs isn't.
I went to a mother's group today (one run by the early childhood centre) and felt SO out of place. I hadn't been since I'd decided there was no way I could control cry and started solidly doing the plan. Anyway, all the other babies in the group seem to be sleeping well- but only because of controlled crying. I just smiled and nodded when they asked how TJ was sleeping.... So it is really good to be able to come here and find some support- Serendipity perhaps? If you'd like to keep in touch via email, mine is schellamo@yahoo.com.au I'd love it if you'd drop me a line and tell me how your plan is going!
| By Amanda Lalor on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 08:36 pm: |
Hi Guys, Im glad I logged in today.
Michelle – That’s great progress! Im especially in awe at you just being able to cuddle him and put him down to sleep (along with improving daytime naps). These are some of my many goals…
NCSS – I really liked what Elizabeth had to say on all fronts. Im so glad actually that I found Pinkys website and the information to give NCSS a read. Likewise I enjoyed Pinkys book too – I felt it catered more to the Mothers needs which I haven’t been considering (all my focus is on our son). Quite refreshing really.
I definitely agree also that I really need to be committed to tailoring the plan and sticking to it.
Life for us has been very hap-hazard - we moved states just 6 weeks after his birth in with my folks and have been unable to settle. So our son now 19 weeks really doesn’t know when he is expected to sleep, where to sleep and how to go about sleeping (only applies to daytime naps). I guess I should count myself lucky that he sleeps rather well at night usually only waking twice. I had read during pregnancy to keep nighttime feeds very dull to differentiate between day and night. It appears to have paid off. But where daytime naps are involved well there is more to this story of which I will share another time (but his maternal grandmother has some involvement hear (lol)).
The move has been very difficult. I particularly liked what one Mum wrote (re. NCSS) where she felt like she was raising her little one alone. Corporate Mum and husband obviously not available to her either emotionally or physically due to work hours and so on. My husbands transfer has placed many new pressures on him. Realising this I try not to burden him and to be honest he doesn’t really understand because he has become so disconnected to the whole process.
I am looking forward to starting the plan but feel that I cant until we have our own place. I often feel like Im running out of precious time – the longer we take to get our own place the more he settles into a ‘nothing’ routine which in turn will be more difficult to break.
As mentioned earlier I also started reading The Aware Baby and The Continuum Concept. Interesting philosophies and may hold some key for other mothers. Perhaps if you’re interested you could check them out on the internet and borrow through the library and we can chat about them. You can review the principals behind the author of The Aware Baby, Aletha Solter through http://www.awareparenting.com/australia.htm. For The Continuum Concept go to http://www.continuum-concept.org/.
Other books Im now looking at reading through our library are those listed by Elizabeth on page 67. Did either of you check these ones out also? I guess Im taking her advice on page 65 – ‘your best defense is knowledge’.
It can be a lonely road. I haven’t bothered with the Mothers groups because I figure it’s pointless unless they share your views. I would really value keeping in touch with you both also for support if that’s ok.
Look forward to hearing from you both and keep your spirits up!
Amanda
| By Kimberley on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:12 pm: |
I found that our new born daughter would settle into her cradle most nights, but then after waking for a feed would have difficulty settling back to be. I would then pop her into bed with us and she would sleep well. We would continue our feeds lying down which I found very comfortable as I was experiencing a lot of upper back pain from feeding. We continued this until about 3-4 months of age. I then tried controlled comforting (which wasn't too traumatic as she didn't cry, but would call out) and we both sleep more soundly. She is 6 months od and still wakes most nights. In warm weather, she will wake a few times for thirst. Otherwise, she may wake once and need reassurance with a soothing word or her dummy popped in (yes, we use a dummy which I have found very effective in settling her to sleep as the sucking reflex is very soothing). She sleeps 2-3 times during the day usually for an hour or less. I've read that you shouldn't let them sleep past 4pm, but have found that my daughter will sleep from 5-6pm and then go back to sleep around 8.30pm for the night. I have tried not to be too strict with her sleeping, but rather take my cues from her. I have found on occasion though, that I put her down thinking that she is tired, but she just wanted to be cuddled or walked around with me. I always remember when having settling difficulties, that SHE WILL EVENTUALLY SLEEP, in an hour or two from now she will be asleep, and tomorrow she will sleep.
| By Amanda Lalor on Thursday, March 3, 2005 - 09:36 am: |
Hi Kimberley, Is your daughter able to hold the dummy in herself? My son still cant and hes almost five months old. Its sometimes time consuming continually going in and popping it back in. I have also read not to encourage their longest sleep past 4pm. If I keep him up, he gets very cranky (understandably). I have found its just better to let him go back to sleep. When this happens h