By charms on Friday, March 9, 2007 - 01:50 pm:

Hi Pinky & Ladies,

Haven't been on line for a while, hope you're all well.

I attended a day stay at Tresillian on Wednesday, left feeling sick, tired and confused. They don't do controlled crying there anymore but do comfort settling and putting the baby (in my case a one year old which might be regarded as a toddler who can stand up)back down every time they stand up. I was sad to see that this involved almost pushing my son down and I asked if I could take over. An hour of this, no cuddles and minimal eye contact or conversation was very trying for myself and my son, Ashley. I didn't try it that night but I did yesterday, I was left feeling sick and angry and Ashley just looks awful today. I just can't do it, tried it but it's not for us. Not condeming anyone who does though but I am feeling a bit guilty and fragile today and hoping I haven't left Ashley with any emotional scars. I slept with him last night and he only woke once which is great for him. I need some hugs and comforting words!

Charmaine x

By Rowena on Friday, March 9, 2007 - 03:19 pm:

It's an uncomfortable situation to be in isn't it?! i have taken my daughter to a day stay clinic and left feeling the same as you have described, I didn't continue with their techniques when I got home and needless to say, her sleep habits didn't improve. 3 months later, I was ready to commit myself to a nut house (lol)and called the day stay centre again, this time they came to our house and used the same techniques, leaving myself and Jorja very upset and tired.
Over the next few weeks I ended up rocking her to "nearly asleep" and then putting her down in her cot,(that broke all the official rules!) this worked but I started to think that I might be creating a habit, luckily for me she has started to become a lot happier to go to sleep and sleeps longer without the whole rocking routine.
I understand, and my heart goes out to you, it is so frustratrating when you talk to other mums who have 'perfect' sleepers, they just dont seem to get it! It seems that the only help available to sleep deprived parents is harsh and un-loving techniques that give you a gold pass ticket for a ride on an emotional rollercoaster!
The only advice I have for you (I have no profesional qualifications) is to give your son all the love you have (i'm sure you do anyway) and cherish all the cuddles you can, because in 15 years you will be having trouble getting him out of bed!
Fingers are crossed for you to get a good night sleep tonight

Rowena

By julie on Friday, March 9, 2007 - 05:36 pm:

Hi Charms, Hugs and poor you. At least you tryed it and now you know it's not for you. In fact i did this with my oldest son he just went from bad to worse. Do what works for you. No one knows a child better you do. good charms hope you's both have a good night sleep tonight! cheers julie.

By charms on Saturday, March 10, 2007 - 01:27 pm:

Thanks Rowena & Julie.

I am feeling a bit better now. I have been giving Ashley extra cuddles, breastfeeds and kisses, sleeping with him and we had a beautiful bath together yesterday. No housework was done as I wanted to give Ashley all of my attention. I feel that we are both upset by the sessions of sleep training and Ashley felt my frustration & anger during this confusing time. I just felt really bad and hoped I hadn't caused any long term harm to him. I was also cranky at myself for even going there, even though I only did it in the day time, it was too much for us.

I'm trying to take something positive from the experience though and that is that I am feeling even more confident and relaxed about my responsive and gentle mothering. I am no longer going to worry (my middle name) about anything anymore and just go with the flow. I had been so worried about weaning Ashley because he associates breast with sleeping most of the time and had gotten myself into a silly state. I guess because I am low on energy physically and because of the lack of sleep, I was not thinking straight or using my own instincts and being confident about them. I had also been on a bit of a rampage lately of getting my life in order and then getting Ashley to sleep without pram or breastfeeding was one of them. A silly expectation of mine and I realise this now.

I went for a session of accupunture last night and have some herbs to help with my physical and mental exhaustion. My accupunturist has actually just weaned her two year old and she described her son and he was just like Ashley so she gave me a few pointers and made me feel a bit better. She also advised me to drink a lot more water than I am now (she advised 2 liters a day for me 50kg) and cut down on the caffeine because I am still breastfeeding a lot. She thinks I am quite de-hydrated.

And thanks girls, I have had a few good nights sleep, snuggled up with my precious little boy. It feels so right. I have been reading over Pinky's books on and off over the past few days and that's helping also.

Charmaine xo

By julie on Saturday, March 10, 2007 - 04:10 pm:

Hi Charms.Glad to hear your feeling better. It's very hard job being a parent. that's all you can do is go with the flow, Who cares about house work. Go easy on your self as we have all been there, just know you have me and the other girls for a chat to and support. I still wake as for my nearly four yr old and 10 month old. I too have to push my 10 month old in a pram to sleep, but it works for us. just know it wont last for ever. AS they do grow up so fast. Your a great mother and sound like a loveing mother too,like i said only a mum knows there own child. Glad to here you's both got some sleep. Good luck charms. cheers julie!..

By suzie on Saturday, March 10, 2007 - 08:29 pm:

Hi Charms, I hope you are feeling better and not being too hard on yourself for trying. It is so hard when you become so desperate for sleep and you want life to be happy for your whole family. But don't worry about long term effects. I tried CC with my Violet when she was 9 months old for 24 hours - and it took us 2 weeks to recover as she was confused by what to expect at sleep time. But then I carried her, and fed her to sleep, and she cosleeps with us too. She still doesn't sleep through and we have bad periods -- but she is such a happy baby.

I also found Pinky's books to be a strong support. And calming. Trust yourself too - everything you wrote sounded like you are a wonderful and nurturing Mum. And what else is there than a happy baby? They won't sleep badly forever and it is creating a happy, pleasurable, sleeping experience that will help us long term.

S

By Michelle on Sunday, March 11, 2007 - 03:53 pm:

Well done Charms, it is wonderful that you listened to your instincts and feelings and decided not to continue. It is so hard, and comes from really wanting the best for your child. And when you are told by people who are supposed 'experts' that it is the best thing for your baby, (especially when you are already feeling vulnerable due to sleep deprivation and things) it is hard to go against them, especially I think for your first baby when you are still 'learning' to be the best mum you can be. I know for me, I wanted to follow my instincts, but I was so mixed up I didn't know what they were telling me.
Enjoy the snuggles and the co-sleeping and before you know it you'll have a toddler who asks to go to bed when they are tired and its a treat for you when they want to be held for any length of time!!
Take Care

By Amanda R on Friday, March 16, 2007 - 12:05 am:

Try not to have expectations, there are plenty of years ahead for that. Live in the 'now', knowing that your little Ashley will sleep, long stretches and by himself sometime in the not too distant future. I count every good night a blessing, should it be repeated then fantastic, but if it isn't repeated for awhile then I was happy to have had a good night. WHen we have no expectations we can't be let down :-)
10 points for giving Ashley your undivided attention at this time and not succumbing to the housework. If you have both been unsettled by this experience the special time together is golden. I strongly believe that whilst your home should be hygenic, no one will ever remember how clean your house was....but, when Ashley is grown, he will remember the special times you had together. I know that when my 2 kids grow up, they wont remember if there was dust on the bookcase, but they will remember Mum doing reading at school, helping out at kinder, sitting with them and reading a book.
Its lovely that you are so in tune with your little man....you are right, just enjoy him and his sweet toddler beauty - it all passes so quickly, in the big picture.

By Jo on Sunday, March 18, 2007 - 12:28 pm:

Hi Charmaine,

My daughter Clodagh is 4.5 mths and was mostly BF to sleep but then she started to fuss at the breast and sometimes wouldn't fall asleep on the breast so we would wrap her and rock/pat/walk/jiggle her til she fell asleep. There was plenty of crying/squealing/screaming from her and a bit of crying from me but I knew she'd been fed and changed and cuddled so I kept persisting with this method when she wouldn't fall asleep at the breast. ONE DAY I said to my husband, since she cries when we hold her anyway lets see what happens if we put her in her bed. So we did and after 20 minutes of half hearted complaining she went to sleep. Next sleep she went to sleep after 1 minute!!! Now she's not perfect with her sleep routines by a long shot but she knows now that a wrap and her sleepy CD means bed, sometimes she complains sometimes she drifts off without a peep. As you'd know how tiring parenting can be somedays I can't listen to 3 minutes of crying and some days I can, on the days I can't I pick her up and give her another cuddle and feed if she wants and then she usually goes off again. It takes practise but listen to your heart.

I know it's easier to say than do but try not to beat yourself up to much and live in the 'now' as Amanda suggested, this too shall pass. Our kids have no trouble of pulling us from far away thoughts about mortgages/money etc into the now with their sometimes 'high' demands of attention but try and embrace it because being able to live in the moment is precious, something we adults don't do very often.

By Jessica (Jessica) on Tuesday, December 30, 2008 - 11:15 am:

Hi Charms .... it sounds like you have had a rough few weeks .. poor thing! I KNOW how awful sleep deprivation is. I was tempted to try tresillian a few weeks back, but instead I read pinky's book and talked to my gorgeous Mum (who's ideas on mothering are freakishy akin to Pinky's) and decided to can the tresillian idea and follow my heart and what felt natural .... and wow did it pay off .... we went from waking every hour in her cot with horrible spine chilling frightened cries to a few little stirs but an otherwise uninterrupted dreamy full nights sleep. Follow your heart hunny and it will pay off ... it sounds like yu are doing a wonderful job with your little man!